Children

Having children in a situation like this is hard enough, without the other person making them a part of it all or putting them in the middle.

Today is yet another of those days where I want to give up and im no longer afraid to admit that. Once again today, he got the better of me.

As I sit in tears and write this I wonder how I will feel in a few months time, whether this situation is a new ongoing theme with him.

This morning, my daughter threw a tantrum (as most children do) over what she was going to wear, or more like what I would allow her to wear. We were off to the farm for lambing season, see new ones be born and feed the slightly older ones. A little tradition we’ve got for the two of us.

He knew this, so when I explained quite reasonably a summer dress and flip-flops weren’t quite suitable for a muddy farm. She threw an almighty tantrum which is most unlike her. Demanded that she no longer wanted to go because Daddy has promised to take her next week anyway! She then also divulged that beloved Daddy had told her that she should be living with him and not Mummy due to  Mummy’s work pattern and her often being looked after by my own Mother.

This hurt, the idea of her not living here broke me. I wasn’t going to justify myself nor argue with her so I walked away. A few minutes later, with her phone and charger in hand she said “I’m charging my phone, and ringing daddy to come and get me, I don’t want to live here anymore”.

Just like that, a seven-year old having been told she shouldn’t live here anymore suddenly decides she doesn’t want to.

I know it’s not forever and I know she doesn’t mean it but that doesn’t make it hurt any less. He must really hate me. As much as I despise him I have never once suggested she shouldn’t see him or love him any less. I’ve stuck up for him whenever she’s been rude or out of line with him yet here he is, manipulating a child against her own mother.

I do work shifts, and they suck but I have a career, something for her to look up to, something I have wanted yes, but I believe that shows her that being strong and knowing what you want is a positive thing and being able to go and get it, whatever life throws in your way is pretty cool!

I’ve let her go, I’m not going to beg her to stay or tell her off. Some of you may thing this is a bad thing as she should be taught she cannot play us off one another but I’d be fighting a losing battle. It would be giving him another thing to use against me, that I prevented her from going to his when she wanted to. So I’ve let her go, she’s taken some clothes and her school uniform for Tuesday which shows her intent on staying.

I guess I knew this day would come, I just never expected it to be so soon. I’m a little lost now, I want to run away, go somewhere in the middle of nowhere and scream as loud as I like.

I love her more than anything in this world, I just feel like she’s slipping away. I’ve watched her shy away from him when his hands were raised, watched her whimper when he shouts, had her refuse to go to his house because he tells her off all the time. Yet today, she chose him and not only chose him but chose to leave me and be with him.

I know none of this is her fault and I’m not angry with her at all, I’m sad for her and I’m angry with him. I’m angry he thinks its acceptable to behave like this, expose her to such emotional abuse and use her to get at me. She isn’t a weapon in our war, she is our child and I wish he could see that. If the tables were turned, I’d have made her understand that she’s upset him, had her call to apologise and probably be sat making something with her to take back and truly say sorry. Instead he will be praising her by treating her today, probably taking her lambing out of spite, encouraging and feeding his hate for me.

Children don’t stay children for long, this is their foundation for the rest of their lives, don’t create a monster in our child by involving them in your battles. Protect your children don’t use them.