Forgiving and Forgetting

I saw this quote and it’s so very true. It didn’t take me as long as I thought to learn to live without him but oh my does it feel good.

However living with what he did to me is a different story. I bottled it all up for so long and only now with the help and support from a fantastic therapist and my family can I begin to deal with what happened and try and move on.

It’s hard with a possible court case on the horizon but I’m doing my best, some days are easier than others. Some days I want to give up and leave it all but I know he needs to be taught he cannot get away with what he has done to me.

I’m slowly learning to live with the life I had with him, slowly but I’m getting there ❤

Trapped in your own home…

I moved back in with parents after taking a career change almost two years ago.

Ofcourse he knows where this is, infact this is where I lived when I met him so this is where he sees the vulnerable young girl I once was.

Usually I’m busy, with work, my social life and visiting family but my mums gone away leaving just my daughter and I alone.

Although I feel alone most nights, actually living here alone is different. It’s uncomfortable and scary, unnerving and worrying.

My daughter’s seven and I’ve had her sleep with me each night, sad really that her own mother is frightened that much but the truth is, as any seven year old does, she’s told him were alone

Nanny’s gone away, so now he knows. He knows I’m back to being my weakest. So a week with barely any sleep, falling asleep to the screen of the CCTV and awakening at every little noise.

I’m not sure how I’ll move back out again and live alone. This is something I’m yet to discover how to deal with.

How did I lose myself to him?..

It’s so easy to look back and think how did I not notice? It’s so easy for others to judge and believe you stay because you want to or its your own fault maybe.

It isn’t.

No-one else is to blame in all of this, that’s part of the abuse. Emotional abuse to make you believe you made them do it, you made them angry or you asked for it. I’ve heard them all before.

Did you really ask for it though? Did you intentionally meet someone and fall in love with someone you knew was going to abuse you? Thought not.

Was anything you ever did or said deserving of the treatment he/she gave you? Thought not.

None of this is your fault, each and everyone of us survivors realises at a different point, some very early one and some stay for years and years before enough is enough.

Your survival rate is 100% remember that.

You lost yourself to him or her because your a good person, all you did was love someone and let them in. The rest was down to them, how they groomed and manipulated you into who they wanted you to be. A shadow of yourself was an easier target than the strong and independent person you are now and there is absolutely no shame in that.

Be kind to yourself and remember it’s not your fault ❤

Qué Sera Sera

Exactly what it says in the title, what will be will be.

When I met my ex partner I was a young care free student, I had no real responsibilities but it all changed very quickly.

I grew up very quickly, we became parents which was simply the best thing in the world. Little did I know that was the turning point for us, that was when I began to realise our relationship, the person I loved and had bought a child into the world with wasn’t who I thought.

I was strong enough eventually with the help of my family and friends to break free and leave.

This was only the beginning for me though, since then I have let him back in time and time again believing he would change. He never did.

Eventually, 5 years since we seperated I spoke out, I went to the police and reported him.

This long and drawn out process is still ongoing and some days it’s so difficult to believe there is still light at the end of the tunnel but other days I look back and remember why I’m doing what I’m doing.

It may all come to nothing and he may walk away from it all. If that happens I am a firm believer that what will be will be, nothing I can do now will change anything and I just have to have hope and faith in the justice system for now ❤️

First blog post

This is the post excerpt.

Day One.

Finally, I feel brave enough to speak out. Having battled with myself and inner demons for a long while after removing myself from an abusive relationship this is all a big deal for me.

I am 27 years old, for almost three years of my life I lived with a monster, someone that I had met and fallen in love with, someone I believed loved me and someone I let in.

Only now do I see that that person didn’t love me, he tortured me, he broke me down into such tiny pieces it’s taken years to put myself back together again.

This blog is for both men and women in either the same boat I’m in now, the boat I was in shortly after meeting him and questioning our relationship or the boat I hated most, the one I left him on. Whichever one you’re on, let’s travel together and help eachother along this long old journey. A journey I can finally see an end to and I can’t tell you how relieving that is to say ❤️