Lies

Lies are more hurtful than anything.

There’s no need to lie, a relationship with honesty is one that will stay.

Not only for a partnership but also our relationships with our children. When my daughter speaks of her father I find it very hard to tell her the truth without hurting her.

She’s 7 now, she isn’t silly and she’s now understanding how her father works. Things he does or says and the way he uses his relationship with her to get one up on me but if she realises now then there’s no doubt she’ll not want anything to do with him sooner rather than later.

For all he did I could have stopped him from seeing her and been quite within my rights but instead I’m careful, I ensure she knows she can tell me anything and I trust that he looks after her. I won’t run the risk that as she grows older she can blame me for not seeing him or missed out on a relationship with him.

It’s harsh but when she’s old enough and if she ever asks, I won’t lie to her. I won’t give her all the horrid details but I’ll be honest with her and she can make her own judgement and decision. I will ofcourse explain that it was all in the past and that I put a stop to it all for her and thats where it was left but I won’t allow him to make me lie to my own daughter whom I’ll raise never to lie to me. If he doesn’t want her knowing he shouldn’t have done what he did.

An outsider looking in…

Are you a friend or family member worried about someone?

A co-worker that’s been concerned for a while?

Noticed odd behaviour or marks on someone you love?

Please understand that when someone is in such an abusive relationship it’s down to them when they tell. It’ll be when they are ready, please don’t push them. They need you so much but they are too fragile and too frightened, ashamed maybe and conscious of what people may think. Please remember they are likely to be having it drummed into them that no-one will believe them, no-one wants to know because the abuser is the only person that cares about them.

My god mother, someone who helped raised me and I love very dearly was the one who spoke to me about it what was going on. She’d noticed and had decided to ask me about it, noone had noticed before so when she did I couldn’t hide my emotions and I broke down in tears.

Finally I felt like I had some extra support and a chance of getting help.

I remember praying that one day someone would hear me, a stranger walking past or a neighbor but no-one ever did. However now I can see that even if someone had heard or my family had noticed I’d have lied, covered it up or dismissed it because I wasn’t ready. It would have made it worse also, I can’t even begin to imagine the repercussions for him finding out someone knew or having the police knock at our door, so I’m glad noone did.

I could have lied to my godmother but I wasn’t ready, I was tired and running out of fight so she saved me.

For that I’ll be forever grateful, and now it’s all out in the open about what was happening I can see it on my loved ones faces, the guilt that they didn’t notice but believe me I did a good job at acting and I didn’t want anyone to know. It doesn’t mean that they didnt love me or didn’t care, victims of domestic abuse become global winning actors trust me and I was very good. I was bullied into believing that no-one would believe me and that everyone would believe I was a bad mother, that he’d take my daughter away so why would I tell anyone or allow anyone to guess.

Please don’t push the loved one your trying to protect, just be there when they need you the most, when they are ready xxx

Children playing piggy in the middle

As a child it was never a nice game, so why do parents make their children play that middle person.

No child should be used as a porn between parents. I love my daughter more than anything in this world, as much as I hate her father I know he is still her father and always will be. Who am I to deprive her of that, deprive her of love and affection from her father… I grew up with my parents seperated and never did I feel I had to chose. They never put us in the middle and I’m forever grateful for that.

Today my daughter had parents evening, I’ve always gone and he never has. Yesterday I took her to the hospital for an appointment and again he never goes. My daughter was born with a condition that has caused her to have many operations, 4 to be exact and I’ve lost count of all the check ups. Most of these being in London. A mere 30 miles from our home and I’ve taken her everytime, I’ve sat with her when she cried herself to sleep, I was the big bad mum that helped hold her down whilst they put my baby to sleep for these operations. He was nowhere to be seen.

Still I’m the bigger person, I allow him to have her when he wants. I buy extra uniform so he has enough for school at his house, I drop her off and pick her up. So many parents can’t do this, sometimes (and only where possible) parents need to swallow their pride and put their children first.

One day my baby will grow up, if I prevent her from spending time with her father she’ll resent me for it and I won’t allow him to make that happen.

She wants to change her surname, she makes comments about her father already and she’s only 7. I brush it off and never encourage any negativity towards him but clearly she isn’t silly.

I will stand by her when she is old enough and if she realises the monster he really is, I will comfort her and protect her if it’s what she wishes but never will I force her to feel the way I feel about him.

I decided to leave, I decided I wanted a different life and I know it’s best for her but she’s only little she doesn’t.

25th February 2012

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25th February 2012… a day I shall never forget.

The day I left.

The day I began the next chapter of this horror story.

If I could give any advice to someone in an abusive relationship or someone looking to leave, it would be that its tough, so tough but believe me IT IS WORTH IT.
No-one should have to suffer at the hands of someone else, let alone someone who is supposed to love you. Please don’t ever think you deserve it, you asked for it or you have to put up with it.

Be strong, think of you and if you have children please think of them. My daughter was 15month old when I left, you’d be amazed at how much they pick up on. I let him back in, time and time again. Never to be in a relationship but as her father and as a friend, as crazy as that sounds because how could he ever be my friend after what he did. We argued, I thought I was stronger and I could stand up to him but I never could not really. He bullied me for a long time even after we separated and it took me a long time to see it.

No-one asks for this, no-one deserves it but it happens, good people fall for bad people. Good people like to see the good in others, think of it that way. You’re a good person that fell for the wrong person and they don’t deserve you, walk away it gets better and there is someone else out there for you!

  • From the gov website it is estimated at 1.9million adults aged 16-59 experienced domestic abuse in the year ending March 2017
  • 1.2 million women victims and 713,000 men victims in that 1.9million
  • 1.1 million incidents reported to the police in that year time scale and of these 46% were recorded as domestic related crimes. This accounts for 32% of all violent crimes reported to the police
  • 46 arrests per 100 crimes recorded in the year ending in March 2017 – that’s almost half of all crimes recorded by the police!
  • 72% of these were charged and then 76% of these secured a conviction which is a high amount, just not high enough.

The more awareness raised to domestic abuse and putting a stop to it the better, we shall all stand together and fight this.

 

 

https://www.ons.gov.uk/peoplepopulationandcommunity/crimeandjustice/bulletins/domesticabuseinenglandandwales/yearendingmarch2017

 

Someone New

That daunting thought of meeting someone new…

I’m not sure I can imagine being with someone else, trusting someone else or letting someone else in.

I have a wall up, my nick name at work is the ice queen. I don’t let people in and I have a real issue with trusting people, quite understandable if I’m honest.

I’ve let two people in since I left my daughter’s father. The first one was probably the best thing to ever happen to me, he was so kind and lovely. He was the total opposite, the sweetest most gentle man I’ve met. I messed it up, I wasn’t ready, I couldn’t let anyone in. I’d been brainwashed into believing that I was damaged goods, I was the causer of all our issues and I would never find anyone else. Due to all of this I pushed him away, I wanted to be with him so badly but I hurt him, I said nasty things and I made him believe I never loved him. If i could take back anything it wouldn’t be not to meet my daughter’s father because obviously I wouldn’t have her or all the life lessons, it would be to treat him right and ensure I told him how I felt.

Instead I pushed him away, I met the next person I was fooled into letting in. He took advantage of that, he began to behave in the same way my daughter’s father did. Luckily I saw it, probably not as soon as if have liked but I saw it and I stopped it.

I’ve never looked back, I’ve learned a lot lately. One thing is not to be walked all over, never again will I be treated the way I was. The first sign of someone not trusting or believing in me I push away. I don’t need that negatively and disbelief in mine and my daughters life.

My dream is to meet someone, find someone to love me and my little girl for who we are, what we’ve been through and help us build our future.

I don’t need anyone, I can do it all alone but who wants to be alone. I was victim to years of abuse, a nasty bully and I’m done with letting my past rule my future. I’m ready to start moving on with my life now.

Rape

That big horrible R word, the one no-one like to say, no-one wishes to talk about and the crime we all hope we’ll never fall victim to.

Well I did, and for over six years I never told a soul. For those six years I told myself it wasn’t rape, he loved me how could he rape me.

It was always something I associated with strangers, a girl in an alley way, bruises, ripped clothes or tears. Never did I think that the person sharing my bed, my home and my life could rape me.

The fact is your more likely to be raped by someone you know than a stranger. So many go unreported because you don’t realise what it is.

Laying facing the other way, praying he’d stop, pretending to be asleep so he didn’t even start or saying no repeatedly and him just doing it anyway because “your his” is rape.

It hurts, I feel sick to think about it, I feel dirty and used and yet at one point i did have a sexual relationship with him. Maybe that was his excuse, maybe because we were in a relationship it was ok for him. He never saw it as that, I was his and I did as I was told.

I gave up saying no in the end, it never got me anywhere so although I still pretended I was asleep, I still prayed he would stop, still dreaded him coming to bed I allowed him in the end.

What does that make me? For a long time I fooled myself into believing it was just a part of our relationship, something he needed and as disgusting as it sounds it was the lesser of two evils for me. If I fought back or made a fuss I was in for it, I’d be punished for my insubordination.

I’ve now come to realise none of this was my fault, it wasn’t acceptable and should never happen. Regardless of whether you’ve been in a relationship it’s never acceptable to force someone to do something, especially that.

Did you know every 6 minutes in the UK someone is raped.

90% of rapes are committed by someone the victim knows.

38% are found not guilty at court.

I am yet to find out what the CPS will do about mine, the fate of his prosecution lays in their hands currently.

2,190 days later

Six years. 72 months. 2,190 days and I’m still not freed, on the 25th of this month it will have been 6 years since the scariest day for me.

Having finally told my family and getting the help I needed we planned it all. I had an excuse to get out of the house because it was my sisters birthday, something which now I also oversee and I feel awful for it but it’s no longer her birthday it’s the day I left him.

She had planned to take my daughter out for the day so she wouldn’t be near any of what was to come, my family then awaited for him to leave for the day and we all went in and packed up my home.

I remember my father dismantling my daughter’s cot and other furniture to take it all with us. I’m so grateful for those little things, I now see in my job that many women aren’t able to do this. Many women run with the clothes on their back and I really do take my hat off to them.

I was lucky I suppose, I got to take what was important, all my memories, my photos, my daughter’s baby box and her clothes.

I looked back as we left and our front room, never a happy place for me but it looked even more sad, it looked empty and forgotten about. For a split second I questioned what I was doing, all I could think was how angry he would be when he got back. I then remember that room resembled me, sad and lonely with nothing left inside.

With that I left.

It wasn’t long before he was calling repeatedly and threatening me, even threatened my father that he’d burn his house down.

For several months we moved away, he didn’t see our daughter for a while nor did he ask. For those several months I was free.

Little did I know I’d be more afraid of him today 72 months later than I was that day I left.