Having a bad day today.
I’ve not been blogging as much lately due to work and other personal commitments.
I came out of therapy this afternoon feeling a bit better about myself and the situation, I felt like I took two steps forward. That soon changed and I stumbled several steps back when my daughter received a phone call from her father.
He took it upon himself to place her in the middle of the two of us and began shouting and demanding to have her more. My daughter very quickly became quite upset and whilst in tears said “mummy I just can’t do this” at which point the phone was given to my mum due to him still not being allowed to contact me.
I know deep down I shouldn’t rise to it and let him bother me however it’s the hardest thing ever! I want to scream and shout at him, tell him how he’s making me and my daughter feel and I think this is added by the frustration by him still not showing any remorse for what he’s done, or even any recognition for what he’s done!
I hate myself for letting him be the cause of my bad day, it may well be added on to that fact I worked a long night shift lastnight and have had very minimal sleep so maybe I’m more sensitive to my feelings at the minute in my tiredness.
However how can we all be expected to be prefect and have good days everyday.
We’ve been through alot survivors so don’t forget it. We are more than entitled to have these days where we cry, shout or lock ourselves away and be alone. Hold your head high and move on to tomorrow because it’s them going to sleep at night with what they have done, it’s them that has to live with it forever, not us!
We make so many excuses for why we don’t make enough time for ourselves.
I for one have made many, I had a seven year old who I give every waking hour to, a job I adore which takes up a lot of time my time and a family that I love to give my time to.
When do I give time to myself? Well the truth is I don’t, or atleast I didn’t until someone pointed this out to me.
How can anyone else love me if I don’t love myself, and no not in a big headed egotistical way, just by taking myself away from the world for an hour it rejuvenates you and sets you up for whatever life throws at you.
I write this as I’m sat by the River Thames, I’m due for an appointment here in London so I came early to sit and watch the world go by, a glass of wine in hand and my sunglasses on as I enjoy a bit of vitamin D by the river. This small little outing means I’m just me again, I’m not responsible for anything or anyone while I’m here in my little bubble for an hour or two and that can do so much for someone who’s been through what we have.
Make time for you, a nice long bath, a run in your favourite location, a small break away and explore a city you’ve never been or simply lock yourself away and read your favourite book but whatever it is enjoy it!
This evening I have received a rude passive aggressive text message (through our third party due to no contact being allowed) from him in relation to a parents evening that was last week. Our daughter has been at school for four years and only once has he been to a parents evening, he never volunteers there or helps with homework, rarely checks her book bag and yet tonight it is my fault he didn’t know about parents evening!
The letter went home on a day that he had her and I never received it, due to us now living totally seperate lives I just assumed he had the letter and had made his own appointment. I never kicked up a fuss or accused him of shutting me out, I simply made my own appointment when I heard about it from another parent.
Why am I always the one to be rationale and understanding, making excuses for him. I’ll tell you why, because it doesn’t matter to me. Aslong as I know how my daughter is getting on and she is safe and well at home I don’t care if he had the letter.
Narcissistic, dominant, controlling people can’t think like that. He hates that he didn’t have control for once. There is absolutely nothing stopping him from contacting the school and askinh for copies of letters or following on social media but no, it is much easier to blame me! That weak girl once allowing him to do this but not today, he won’t win!
Instead I’ve been the bigger person, responded appropriately to his message and contacted the school requesting them to forward all letters to him via email so he has a copy and therefore no blame can be placed on me!
Still after these years I’m picking up after him, ensuring he’s happy and why? Who knows. I’m either weak or stupid or maybe just maybe, I am to blame and I should have told him about the parents evening. I don’t even know anymore.
Once more I’m left asking myself if I’ve made the right decision about sticking up to him and having him arrested. However once more I remember that I’m stronger than that and I did do the right thing!
Heres to all the strong willed, selfless, superwomen out there.
Stand up and be proud to be a woman.
Noone should ever make you feel anything less than the superwoman you are. Every day we get up, hold our heads high and take on whatever is thrown at us.
Us women should stick together, no bitching or nastiness but that happy go lucky drunk “oh my god I love your dress” in a toilet on a drunken night out kind of love for eachother.
Compliment eachother, telling another female she looks beautiful or is smart and intelligent would mean 100 times more coming from another beautiful intelligent female than from a guy!
Men are amazing too obviously and we all know that but today is about appreciating us girls!
Girl Power X
What do you all think?
She’s right, we all know she is when she talks about the fact there is more to domestic abuse than just the physical side. For some this is the least of their worries. Abusers are very good at manipulating the survivors and isolating them so they become at their weakest, this was certainly worse for me than the punches, kicks and other physical abuse I sustained. I was totally lost in a horrible nightmare with no way out.
This bill should have come in to play a long time ago, not when statistics show that 2million people in the UK are living with domestic abuse daily!
My escape, for half an hour, a whole hour and sometimes more.
I run, I put my music in and I run. I’m free from being that victim, I’m free from worry and with no care for anything for that short period of time.
With still no answers to any of my questions, no light at the end of the tunnel the only bit of freedom I get at the minute is my running.
Its very therapeutic, I’m lucky enough to live close by to a picturesque area that is perfect for running, high up so I enjoy looking out to the surrounding towns and villages, watching the world go by.
Watching other people go about their business, with no idea of each of their stories.