A glass half full

Hippo time… Wallowing in self pity is ok, maybe for an hour or a day but no more.

We aren’t hippos! We don’t wallow. We survive.

If you’re reading this, you are either a survivor looking back, a survivor looking for support or someone wanting to help a survivor.

Whichever it is, listen carefully. You can be holding a glass of water, be it half empty or half full, it isn’t the weight of the glass of water that will tire you out. It’s the length of time you hold onto it. Let it go, let that glass smash, let the water all spill out. That water represents the old you, trickling away to make room for the new you.

We are all entitled to a down day, a day where were miserable, short tempered of teary but leave it there. Have you down day and move on.

Once your out and you’ve stood up to the abuser you have to focus on the next chapter. Try not to dwell on the past because when your looking back all the time you’ll trip and hurt yourself.

Today I realised I don’t care where this new relationship is going or isn’t going, but what I do care for is that I’m happy. I’m laughing again which I thought I’d forgotten how to do

Please try and be a glass half full kind of person, life is a privilege, make the bloody most of it!

#domesticabuse

#mentalhealthawareness

Moving forward, Moving on…

I have an image of where I’d like to be, how happy I would like to be with my little family.

We are all brought up with an image of a perfect little family. My family will forever be far from perfect.

I’d like to meet someone, for them to wrap their arms around me, protect me and treat me the way I wish he had. I’d love more children, a secure and happy home for my daughter and any brothers and sisters she may be blessed with having.

I can’t see that, I worry that he’ll ruin it. So far every new relationship I have attempted to build he has ruined. Either directly or indirectly caused me so many issues that it’s easier to just stay on my own.

I don’t want to stay on my own anymore, I want to be brave, standup to him and be happy again. I think it’s something I deserve after what I have put up with but I know that person needs to be strong, be able to understand me and what has happened and maybe why I’m such a closed book.

I find it hard to open up, let people in and be taken in by someone else again just incase my very fragile heart gets broken again.

I know this blog is all about surviving and that’s what I’m doing, it just takes some time and I hope you are all hanging on in there, still surviving xoxo

A family life or a table for one…

I hope to share my dinner table with another man again, another baby as well as Ellie and id love to raise her as part of a family.

Raising her as part of my battle with her father is so hard, it’s not her fault and I’d love for her to benefit both our characteristics.

He is a fighter without a doubt but I am too and I’ll win, there’s no room for a table for one anymore!

Living life through social media photo filters…

Nowadays everything is plastered on social media, it’s nice to share our memories and photos with our loved ones ofcourse but how much of it is real.

I look back on Facebook’s “on this day” application where it shows you posts from that date but in previous years, and low and behold I’m guilty of plastering photos of my happy family.

I was desperate for not only everyone else to believe we had a loving happy relationship but for me to believe myself.

The photos are awful, I’m stick thin, no make up no effort gone into my appearance at all. In some there bruises and marks which bring back painful memories of our real relationship.

These people that plaster everything all over social media, how happy are they really?!

When I look around at my friend’s and family it’s often the ones that don’t post happy pictures and announce their date nights every week that are the happiest in their relationships

Positivety

After my slight wobble last weekend I’ve come back fighting.

I was once told to try something, when I feel sad or something happens to upset me or make me angry I should try writing it down and putting it in a jar. Then when everything has calmed down go back to the jar and read what I wrote and see whether it all still matters.

There was a lot to write that weekend trust me but now, she’s home safe with me and behaving better than ever and suddenly all that anger and upset is gone. I never truly thought she was moving out with him and when I look back I knew all along it was just his petty games.

The hardest part is training myself not to let him get to me. He wants these little battles every so often and I wish I was more able to just nod my head, agree and walk away.

In hindsight that would have irritated him more, a narcissistic person hates not being in control and knowing they haven’t got to that person they way they’d have liked to.

It’s not always that simple and I know that but for now I’m content with how I feel. I’m not rising to his games or bullying anymore.

Still no news from the CPS regarding what will happen to him and I know I can’t quite move on with my life until I know and then I will work on putting it all to bed and being able to talk about it or look at him without the anxiety and sick feeling I get, I know I will get there.

#domesticabuse

#survivor

Children

Having children in a situation like this is hard enough, without the other person making them a part of it all or putting them in the middle.

Today is yet another of those days where I want to give up and im no longer afraid to admit that. Once again today, he got the better of me.

As I sit in tears and write this I wonder how I will feel in a few months time, whether this situation is a new ongoing theme with him.

This morning, my daughter threw a tantrum (as most children do) over what she was going to wear, or more like what I would allow her to wear. We were off to the farm for lambing season, see new ones be born and feed the slightly older ones. A little tradition we’ve got for the two of us.

He knew this, so when I explained quite reasonably a summer dress and flip-flops weren’t quite suitable for a muddy farm. She threw an almighty tantrum which is most unlike her. Demanded that she no longer wanted to go because Daddy has promised to take her next week anyway! She then also divulged that beloved Daddy had told her that she should be living with him and not Mummy due to  Mummy’s work pattern and her often being looked after by my own Mother.

This hurt, the idea of her not living here broke me. I wasn’t going to justify myself nor argue with her so I walked away. A few minutes later, with her phone and charger in hand she said “I’m charging my phone, and ringing daddy to come and get me, I don’t want to live here anymore”.

Just like that, a seven-year old having been told she shouldn’t live here anymore suddenly decides she doesn’t want to.

I know it’s not forever and I know she doesn’t mean it but that doesn’t make it hurt any less. He must really hate me. As much as I despise him I have never once suggested she shouldn’t see him or love him any less. I’ve stuck up for him whenever she’s been rude or out of line with him yet here he is, manipulating a child against her own mother.

I do work shifts, and they suck but I have a career, something for her to look up to, something I have wanted yes, but I believe that shows her that being strong and knowing what you want is a positive thing and being able to go and get it, whatever life throws in your way is pretty cool!

I’ve let her go, I’m not going to beg her to stay or tell her off. Some of you may thing this is a bad thing as she should be taught she cannot play us off one another but I’d be fighting a losing battle. It would be giving him another thing to use against me, that I prevented her from going to his when she wanted to. So I’ve let her go, she’s taken some clothes and her school uniform for Tuesday which shows her intent on staying.

I guess I knew this day would come, I just never expected it to be so soon. I’m a little lost now, I want to run away, go somewhere in the middle of nowhere and scream as loud as I like.

I love her more than anything in this world, I just feel like she’s slipping away. I’ve watched her shy away from him when his hands were raised, watched her whimper when he shouts, had her refuse to go to his house because he tells her off all the time. Yet today, she chose him and not only chose him but chose to leave me and be with him.

I know none of this is her fault and I’m not angry with her at all, I’m sad for her and I’m angry with him. I’m angry he thinks its acceptable to behave like this, expose her to such emotional abuse and use her to get at me. She isn’t a weapon in our war, she is our child and I wish he could see that. If the tables were turned, I’d have made her understand that she’s upset him, had her call to apologise and probably be sat making something with her to take back and truly say sorry. Instead he will be praising her by treating her today, probably taking her lambing out of spite, encouraging and feeding his hate for me.

Children don’t stay children for long, this is their foundation for the rest of their lives, don’t create a monster in our child by involving them in your battles. Protect your children don’t use them.

 

 

Courage

Courage has always been a powerful word to me.

Something that people look up to, a characteristic that we’d all like to have.

We have got this, if your reading this then your courageous. For whichever reason you read this and other blogs, be it because your a survivor, someone who’s about to become a survivor or someone who’s trying to help someone become a survivor.

We are all courageous and you should all be proud of yourselves.