That big horrible R word, the one no-one like to say, no-one wishes to talk about and the crime we all hope we’ll never fall victim to.

Well I did, and for over six years I never told a soul. For those six years I told myself it wasn’t rape, he loved me how could he rape me.

It was always something I associated with strangers, a girl in an alley way, bruises, ripped clothes or tears. Never did I think that the person sharing my bed, my home and my life could rape me.

The fact is your more likely to be raped by someone you know than a stranger. So many go unreported because you don’t realise what it is.

Laying facing the other way, praying he’d stop, pretending to be asleep so he didn’t even start or saying no repeatedly and him just doing it anyway because “your his” is rape.

It hurts, I feel sick to think about it, I feel dirty and used and yet at one point i did have a sexual relationship with him. Maybe that was his excuse, maybe because we were in a relationship it was ok for him. He never saw it as that, I was his and I did as I was told.

I gave up saying no in the end, it never got me anywhere so although I still pretended I was asleep, I still prayed he would stop, still dreaded him coming to bed I allowed him in the end.

What does that make me? For a long time I fooled myself into believing it was just a part of our relationship, something he needed and as disgusting as it sounds it was the lesser of two evils for me. If I fought back or made a fuss I was in for it, I’d be punished for my insubordination.

I’ve now come to realise none of this was my fault, it wasn’t acceptable and should never happen. Regardless of whether you’ve been in a relationship it’s never acceptable to force someone to do something, especially that.

Did you know every 6 minutes in the UK someone is raped.

90% of rapes are committed by someone the victim knows.

38% are found not guilty at court.

I am yet to find out what the CPS will do about mine, the fate of his prosecution lays in their hands currently.

Author: wesurviveditall

twenty seven years old, survivor of an abusive relationship, mother to one brave, strong willed and loving little girl. Writing this blog for all those looking for answers or a way out, a little bit of reassurance that you can survive too.

5 thoughts on “Rape”

  1. I understand, I believe you without a question. My heart races as I read your post with dry mouth and wet cheeks I respond … because I don’t want you to feel alone not for anotjer moment.


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