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First blog post

This is the post excerpt.

Day One.

Finally, I feel brave enough to speak out. Having battled with myself and inner demons for a long while after removing myself from an abusive relationship this is all a big deal for me.

I am 27 years old, for almost three years of my life I lived with a monster, someone that I had met and fallen in love with, someone I believed loved me and someone I let in.

Only now do I see that that person didn’t love me, he tortured me, he broke me down into such tiny pieces it’s taken years to put myself back together again.

This blog is for both men and women in either the same boat I’m in now, the boat I was in shortly after meeting him and questioning our relationship or the boat I hated most, the one I left him on. Whichever one you’re on, let’s travel together and help eachother along this long old journey. A journey I can finally see an end to and I can’t tell you how relieving that is to say ❤️

Children

Having children in a situation like this is hard enough, without the other person making them a part of it all or putting them in the middle.

Today is yet another of those days where I want to give up and im no longer afraid to admit that. Once again today, he got the better of me.

As I sit in tears and write this I wonder how I will feel in a few months time, whether this situation is a new ongoing theme with him.

This morning, my daughter threw a tantrum (as most children do) over what she was going to wear, or more like what I would allow her to wear. We were off to the farm for lambing season, see new ones be born and feed the slightly older ones. A little tradition we’ve got for the two of us.

He knew this, so when I explained quite reasonably a summer dress and flip-flops weren’t quite suitable for a muddy farm. She threw an almighty tantrum which is most unlike her. Demanded that she no longer wanted to go because Daddy has promised to take her next week anyway! She then also divulged that beloved Daddy had told her that she should be living with him and not Mummy due to  Mummy’s work pattern and her often being looked after by my own Mother.

This hurt, the idea of her not living here broke me. I wasn’t going to justify myself nor argue with her so I walked away. A few minutes later, with her phone and charger in hand she said “I’m charging my phone, and ringing daddy to come and get me, I don’t want to live here anymore”.

Just like that, a seven-year old having been told she shouldn’t live here anymore suddenly decides she doesn’t want to.

I know it’s not forever and I know she doesn’t mean it but that doesn’t make it hurt any less. He must really hate me. As much as I despise him I have never once suggested she shouldn’t see him or love him any less. I’ve stuck up for him whenever she’s been rude or out of line with him yet here he is, manipulating a child against her own mother.

I do work shifts, and they suck but I have a career, something for her to look up to, something I have wanted yes, but I believe that shows her that being strong and knowing what you want is a positive thing and being able to go and get it, whatever life throws in your way is pretty cool!

I’ve let her go, I’m not going to beg her to stay or tell her off. Some of you may thing this is a bad thing as she should be taught she cannot play us off one another but I’d be fighting a losing battle. It would be giving him another thing to use against me, that I prevented her from going to his when she wanted to. So I’ve let her go, she’s taken some clothes and her school uniform for Tuesday which shows her intent on staying.

I guess I knew this day would come, I just never expected it to be so soon. I’m a little lost now, I want to run away, go somewhere in the middle of nowhere and scream as loud as I like.

I love her more than anything in this world, I just feel like she’s slipping away. I’ve watched her shy away from him when his hands were raised, watched her whimper when he shouts, had her refuse to go to his house because he tells her off all the time. Yet today, she chose him and not only chose him but chose to leave me and be with him.

I know none of this is her fault and I’m not angry with her at all, I’m sad for her and I’m angry with him. I’m angry he thinks its acceptable to behave like this, expose her to such emotional abuse and use her to get at me. She isn’t a weapon in our war, she is our child and I wish he could see that. If the tables were turned, I’d have made her understand that she’s upset him, had her call to apologise and probably be sat making something with her to take back and truly say sorry. Instead he will be praising her by treating her today, probably taking her lambing out of spite, encouraging and feeding his hate for me.

Children don’t stay children for long, this is their foundation for the rest of their lives, don’t create a monster in our child by involving them in your battles. Protect your children don’t use them.

 

 

Courage

Courage has always been a powerful word to me.

Something that people look up to, a characteristic that we’d all like to have.

We have got this, if your reading this then your courageous. For whichever reason you read this and other blogs, be it because your a survivor, someone who’s about to become a survivor or someone who’s trying to help someone become a survivor.

We are all courageous and you should all be proud of yourselves.

Will they always get the better of us…

Having a bad day today.

I’ve not been blogging as much lately due to work and other personal commitments.

I came out of therapy this afternoon feeling a bit better about myself and the situation, I felt like I took two steps forward. That soon changed and I stumbled several steps back when my daughter received a phone call from her father.

He took it upon himself to place her in the middle of the two of us and began shouting and demanding to have her more. My daughter very quickly became quite upset and whilst in tears said “mummy I just can’t do this” at which point the phone was given to my mum due to him still not being allowed to contact me.

I know deep down I shouldn’t rise to it and let him bother me however it’s the hardest thing ever! I want to scream and shout at him, tell him how he’s making me and my daughter feel and I think this is added by the frustration by him still not showing any remorse for what he’s done, or even any recognition for what he’s done!

I hate myself for letting him be the cause of my bad day, it may well be added on to that fact I worked a long night shift lastnight and have had very minimal sleep so maybe I’m more sensitive to my feelings at the minute in my tiredness.

However how can we all be expected to be prefect and have good days everyday.

We’ve been through alot survivors so don’t forget it. We are more than entitled to have these days where we cry, shout or lock ourselves away and be alone. Hold your head high and move on to tomorrow because it’s them going to sleep at night with what they have done, it’s them that has to live with it forever, not us!

Make time for you

We make so many excuses for why we don’t make enough time for ourselves.

I for one have made many, I had a seven year old who I give every waking hour to, a job I adore which takes up a lot of time my time and a family that I love to give my time to.

When do I give time to myself? Well the truth is I don’t, or atleast I didn’t until someone pointed this out to me.

How can anyone else love me if I don’t love myself, and no not in a big headed egotistical way, just by taking myself away from the world for an hour it rejuvenates you and sets you up for whatever life throws at you.

I write this as I’m sat by the River Thames, I’m due for an appointment here in London so I came early to sit and watch the world go by, a glass of wine in hand and my sunglasses on as I enjoy a bit of vitamin D by the river. This small little outing means I’m just me again, I’m not responsible for anything or anyone while I’m here in my little bubble for an hour or two and that can do so much for someone who’s been through what we have.

Make time for you, a nice long bath, a run in your favourite location, a small break away and explore a city you’ve never been or simply lock yourself away and read your favourite book but whatever it is enjoy it!

🖤🖤🖤

Embarrassed and self guilt…

This evening I have received a rude passive aggressive text message (through our third party due to no contact being allowed) from him in relation to a parents evening that was last week. Our daughter has been at school for four years and only once has he been to a parents evening, he never volunteers there or helps with homework, rarely checks her book bag and yet tonight it is my fault he didn’t know about parents evening!

The letter went home on a day that he had her and I never received it, due to us now living totally seperate lives I just assumed he had the letter and had made his own appointment. I never kicked up a fuss or accused him of shutting me out, I simply made my own appointment when I heard about it from another parent.

Why am I always the one to be rationale and understanding, making excuses for him. I’ll tell you why, because it doesn’t matter to me. Aslong as I know how my daughter is getting on and she is safe and well at home I don’t care if he had the letter.

Narcissistic, dominant, controlling people can’t think like that. He hates that he didn’t have control for once. There is absolutely nothing stopping him from contacting the school and askinh for copies of letters or following on social media but no, it is much easier to blame me! That weak girl once allowing him to do this but not today, he won’t win!

Instead I’ve been the bigger person, responded appropriately to his message and contacted the school requesting them to forward all letters to him via email so he has a copy and therefore no blame can be placed on me!

Still after these years I’m picking up after him, ensuring he’s happy and why? Who knows. I’m either weak or stupid or maybe just maybe, I am to blame and I should have told him about the parents evening. I don’t even know anymore.

Once more I’m left asking myself if I’ve made the right decision about sticking up to him and having him arrested. However once more I remember that I’m stronger than that and I did do the right thing!

 

International Women’s Day 🖤

Heres to all the strong willed, selfless, superwomen out there.

Stand up and be proud to be a woman.

Noone should ever make you feel anything less than the superwoman you are. Every day we get up, hold our heads high and take on whatever is thrown at us.

Us women should stick together, no bitching or nastiness but that happy go lucky drunk “oh my god I love your dress” in a toilet on a drunken night out kind of love for eachother.

Compliment eachother, telling another female she looks beautiful or is smart and intelligent would mean 100 times more coming from another beautiful intelligent female than from a guy!

Men are amazing too obviously and we all know that but today is about appreciating us girls!

Girl Power X