This is the post excerpt.
Finally, I feel brave enough to speak out. Having battled with myself and inner demons for a long while after removing myself from an abusive relationship this is all a big deal for me.
I am 27 years old, for almost three years of my life I lived with a monster, someone that I had met and fallen in love with, someone I believed loved me and someone I let in.
Only now do I see that that person didn’t love me, he tortured me, he broke me down into such tiny pieces it’s taken years to put myself back together again.
This blog is for both men and women in either the same boat I’m in now, the boat I was in shortly after meeting him and questioning our relationship or the boat I hated most, the one I left him on. Whichever one you’re on, let’s travel together and help eachother along this long old journey. A journey I can finally see an end to and I can’t tell you how relieving that is to say ❤️
We make so many excuses for why we don’t make enough time for ourselves.
I for one have made many, I had a seven year old who I give every waking hour to, a job I adore which takes up a lot of time my time and a family that I love to give my time to.
When do I give time to myself? Well the truth is I don’t, or atleast I didn’t until someone pointed this out to me.
How can anyone else love me if I don’t love myself, and no not in a big headed egotistical way, just by taking myself away from the world for an hour it rejuvenates you and sets you up for whatever life throws at you.
I write this as I’m sat by the River Thames, I’m due for an appointment here in London so I came early to sit and watch the world go by, a glass of wine in hand and my sunglasses on as I enjoy a bit of vitamin D by the river. This small little outing means I’m just me again, I’m not responsible for anything or anyone while I’m here in my little bubble for an hour or two and that can do so much for someone who’s been through what we have.
Make time for you, a nice long bath, a run in your favourite location, a small break away and explore a city you’ve never been or simply lock yourself away and read your favourite book but whatever it is enjoy it!
This evening I have received a rude passive aggressive text message (through our third party due to no contact being allowed) from him in relation to a parents evening that was last week. Our daughter has been at school for four years and only once has he been to a parents evening, he never volunteers there or helps with homework, rarely checks her book bag and yet tonight it is my fault he didn’t know about parents evening!
The letter went home on a day that he had her and I never received it, due to us now living totally seperate lives I just assumed he had the letter and had made his own appointment. I never kicked up a fuss or accused him of shutting me out, I simply made my own appointment when I heard about it from another parent.
Why am I always the one to be rationale and understanding, making excuses for him. I’ll tell you why, because it doesn’t matter to me. Aslong as I know how my daughter is getting on and she is safe and well at home I don’t care if he had the letter.
Narcissistic, dominant, controlling people can’t think like that. He hates that he didn’t have control for once. There is absolutely nothing stopping him from contacting the school and askinh for copies of letters or following on social media but no, it is much easier to blame me! That weak girl once allowing him to do this but not today, he won’t win!
Instead I’ve been the bigger person, responded appropriately to his message and contacted the school requesting them to forward all letters to him via email so he has a copy and therefore no blame can be placed on me!
Still after these years I’m picking up after him, ensuring he’s happy and why? Who knows. I’m either weak or stupid or maybe just maybe, I am to blame and I should have told him about the parents evening. I don’t even know anymore.
Once more I’m left asking myself if I’ve made the right decision about sticking up to him and having him arrested. However once more I remember that I’m stronger than that and I did do the right thing!
Heres to all the strong willed, selfless, superwomen out there.
Stand up and be proud to be a woman.
Noone should ever make you feel anything less than the superwoman you are. Every day we get up, hold our heads high and take on whatever is thrown at us.
Us women should stick together, no bitching or nastiness but that happy go lucky drunk “oh my god I love your dress” in a toilet on a drunken night out kind of love for eachother.
Compliment eachother, telling another female she looks beautiful or is smart and intelligent would mean 100 times more coming from another beautiful intelligent female than from a guy!
Men are amazing too obviously and we all know that but today is about appreciating us girls!
Girl Power X
What do you all think?
She’s right, we all know she is when she talks about the fact there is more to domestic abuse than just the physical side. For some this is the least of their worries. Abusers are very good at manipulating the survivors and isolating them so they become at their weakest, this was certainly worse for me than the punches, kicks and other physical abuse I sustained. I was totally lost in a horrible nightmare with no way out.
This bill should have come in to play a long time ago, not when statistics show that 2million people in the UK are living with domestic abuse daily!
My escape, for half an hour, a whole hour and sometimes more.
I run, I put my music in and I run. I’m free from being that victim, I’m free from worry and with no care for anything for that short period of time.
With still no answers to any of my questions, no light at the end of the tunnel the only bit of freedom I get at the minute is my running.
Its very therapeutic, I’m lucky enough to live close by to a picturesque area that is perfect for running, high up so I enjoy looking out to the surrounding towns and villages, watching the world go by.
Watching other people go about their business, with no idea of each of their stories.
Lies are more hurtful than anything.
There’s no need to lie, a relationship with honesty is one that will stay.
Not only for a partnership but also our relationships with our children. When my daughter speaks of her father I find it very hard to tell her the truth without hurting her.
She’s 7 now, she isn’t silly and she’s now understanding how her father works. Things he does or says and the way he uses his relationship with her to get one up on me but if she realises now then there’s no doubt she’ll not want anything to do with him sooner rather than later.
For all he did I could have stopped him from seeing her and been quite within my rights but instead I’m careful, I ensure she knows she can tell me anything and I trust that he looks after her. I won’t run the risk that as she grows older she can blame me for not seeing him or missed out on a relationship with him.
It’s harsh but when she’s old enough and if she ever asks, I won’t lie to her. I won’t give her all the horrid details but I’ll be honest with her and she can make her own judgement and decision. I will ofcourse explain that it was all in the past and that I put a stop to it all for her and thats where it was left but I won’t allow him to make me lie to my own daughter whom I’ll raise never to lie to me. If he doesn’t want her knowing he shouldn’t have done what he did.